1. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen
2. Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken
3. A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown
4. Someone has said: "A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking." ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962), quoted from a physiology lecture by his University of Cincinnati student Howard D. Fabing in Fischerisms, 1930
5. A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown
6. If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went
7. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
8. All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier
9. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin
10. The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change
11. Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
12. After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke
13. How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees
14. If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com
15. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
16. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade
17. An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
18. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet
19. Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah
20. Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley
21. Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary
22. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort
23. The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves
24. The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams
25. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
26. Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown
27. Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown
28. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
29. You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright
